How To Not Land Up On Santa's Naughty List This Christmas 2019

With the chilly season of Christmas upon us and promises of valuable Christmas presents by Santa on the cards, the need to mend our usual ways becomes imperative. After all, the holiday spirit doesn't truly seep in until you start panicking at the thought of all the sins you've committed in the past year that guarantee a one-way ticket to Santa's naughty list. 

 

This Christmas 2019, we will help you avoid this festive downward slope. Let us absolve you of your sins (given they don't comprise of you murdering a person). Check out this ultimate guide to redemption, just in time for Santa to slide down your metaphorical chimney. 

 

If you wish to avoid landing up on Santa's naughty list, please:

 

1. Don't Use Your Phone In Movie Theatres

In an otherwise darkened room, one singular small source of light can be hella annoying. Especially when you are trying your best to look at the big screen in front of you, but your eyes keep averting to the phone screen of that one annoying person who decided the best time to reply to texts is when you are in the middle of watching a movie you paid for, with a bunch of random strangers. 

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2. Don't Drive On High-beam At Night

Why do people even do this?! Like, does your idea of a fun night involve casually causing a massive collision on the highway? Or triggering temporary blindness in all the drivers on the road? In the list of modern sins by mankind, this one pretty much takes the cake for causing maximum mass annoyance. 

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3. Don't Stare At The Phone Screen Of The Person Standing Next To You In The Metro 

There is a special place reserved in hell for those people in the metro who make it their personal mission to read their neighbour's texts over their shoulder. It's intrusive, offensive and infuriating. If you lack a source of enertainment, why not listen to songs or watch a pre-downloaded movie? Why do you want to invest in a stranger's fight with her mother in law?!

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4. Don't Cut Queues

If there are 10 people standing in front of you, in one straight line, do you think it's because they were bored and were looking for some random thing to do and just collectively decided to form a human chain? No, it's because they are waiting for the same service or product that you are waiting for, except they reached before you. So, occupy the queue position you rightfully deserve and don't try to cut people off!

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5. Don't Chew With Your Mouth Open

Man, just don't do it. The remnants of that cheeseburger getting mushed together in your mouth really does not make for a pretty picture. You are not a cow fondly feasting upon cud, are you? Avoid this annoying, and honestly, disgusting tendency to avoid Santa (and every human being in surrounding territory)'s wrath. 

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6. Don't Be Rude To Your Waiter

There isn't a bigger sign of douchebaggery than being rude or abrasive with people serving you. These are people who are paid to make your life easier. So drop that sense of entitlement. However, if you have a taste for freshly served saliva in your restaurant food, go right ahead. 

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7. Don't Cough Without Covering Your Mouth

Unless you are driven by a passion to infect as many humans as you can or spread germs on a global level, cover your mouth while you cough. If you are a chronic open-mouth cougher, you probably already occupy a VIP position on Santa's naughty list. Change your ways before its too late (or before someone decides to get their revenge). 

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8. Don't Help Yourself To Other Peoples' Food From The Office Fridge

This one really doesn't warrant an explanation. You might as well forget about Santa and hitch a direct ride with Satan if you are guilty of this behaviour. However tempting your co-worker's food might look, stealing is immoral and in this context, heartbreaking. Who wants to spend an entire morning dreaming of their lunch only to find out it's missing? 

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9. Don't Stick Your Chewing Gum To The Underside Of The Table

The only thing protecting people who do this is their anonymity. But the day some unsuspecting folk grabs on to the table, only for his/her fingers to be met with sticky, contaminated rubber-like gum and gets triggered enough to track down your DNA, it's over for you. Okay, even if that doesn't happen, PLEASE STOP DOING THIS IT'S GROSS. 

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10. Don't Start Swiping When Someone Shows You A Picture On Their Phone

Indian parents, we are watching you. The person who decided to show you a picture on their phone probably didn't mean it as an opportunity for you to check out their entire gallery. That person probably wanted to share a funny meme. What a noble gesture, and this is how you repay them?! 

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11. Don't Call Repeatedly If Someone Is Clearly Not Available 

If a person didn't answer your call the past three times, honestly, what makes you think the fourth time will be miraculously different? Chances are the person is caught up in something, wants his/her space or is simply sleeping. Whatever the probable cause might be if they don't want to answer the call, they won't and when they decide to give a callback, you will receive one. So really, there isn't much you can do but practise some patience!

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12. Don't Chew On Borrowed Pens

Do you think you are the only person who tends to absentmindedly chew on their pen? No, right? So, if you are putting a borrowed pen in your mouth, just remember, its not its first rodeo. That pen has probably seen some dark days along with the insides of random mouths and your saliva is in all likelihood, not the first bodily fluid it has been coated with. Remember that the next time you feel the temptation rising. 

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13. Don't Tell People To "Stop Being Depressed" 

This isn't just a hack to avoiding Santa's naughty list, it's also a key to being a decent human being. If a person is depressed, or anxious, or stressed, telling them to "calm down'' or ''stop being sad" isn't helpful by any standards. Like, thanks, why didn't I just think of that? The way to battle depression is to stop being depressed? Wow, I'm cured. You should be like a therapist or something. 

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14. Don't Spit In Public

Why are you spitting in public places? Are you marking your territory? Establishing dominance by leaving traces of your DNA all over the planet? Or is it some DIY public place decor hack? Also, ever heard of the term "contagious diseases"? Spitting in public will not only annoy Santa, it can also potentially create a public health hazard. So, STOP. THAT. PLEASE. 

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15. Don't Put Things Back On The Wrong Grocery Shelf 

When you are looking for a packet of instant noodles, and you find a bag of laundry detergent in that grocery shelf instead, does it not make you want to scream with irritation? How can you possibly be lazy enough to put toilet paper on a shelf labelled clearly as "frozen food"? Just, walk back to that specific aisle. Not only will Santa view you as a considerate person, you will also collect some instant Karma points. 

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16. Don't Return Your Friend's Borrowed Car With An Empty Tank 

If your friend was kind enough to let you borrow his/her car, it is your moral obligation as a friend and as an honorary citizen to not return it with an emptied fuel tank. If you can't afford to do that at that point, just offer to return the favour on a later occasion. In addition to dodging Santa's naughty list, you will also increase the probability of your friend lending their car (or anything for that matter) to you again.

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17. Don't Splash Water Everywhere On The Toilet Seat 

Unless the world decided to invent one-use-only disposable toilets, it is highly likely (and obvious) that someone else will use the toilet after you are done. Do you reckon they were looking for a water park and decided to try the toilet as an alternative? Nobody wants to awkwardly squat and hover over the toilet to relieve their bladder. But they will have to if the remnants of your last rendezvous with the lavatory are all over the damn place. 

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18. Don't Empty That Free Bowl Of "Saunf" (Anise) Into Your Purse 

We get it. Free stuff is always nice. But usually, free stuff is also meant for the populace at large and not one singular person. This will probably strike as breaking news to those people who want to shove as much free saunf into their mouth as they can, after a meal in a public restaurant. Thanks, we will now have to consume sugar crystals as a post-meal snack. 

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19. Don't Try To Aggressively Enter The Metro Without Letting People De-Board First

The metro compartment is not a magical box that stretches in size to accommodate people. The space in that compartment is limited, and only by letting people get down will you create enough space for more people to enter. Also, what's worse? Waiting for the next metro or having to get down at a place you did not intend to go to?

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20. Don't Recline Your Plane Seat To The Point Of Asphyxiating The Person Behind You 

Yeah, planes are uncomfortable. Especially if you usually fly economy, like the rest of us peasants (and 80% of the Indian population). Reclining your seat and lounging merrily is highly tempting, but in the process of making yourself comfortable, you are decreasing the space that is already equally insufficient for the person behind you. Consideration, people, is the key to avoiding Santa's naughty list.

 

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So there we go, folks! You made it to the end of this guide on avoiding Santa's naughty list, this Christmas 2019. We hope you read the above pointers with a light heart and a pinch of salt. These hacks aren't just meant for Christmas, they should ideally be practised throughout the year. However, it's never too late to start! 

Happy holidays!